Falling into bad habits again...

I've got lots of problems with eating. I've been battling these problems since my early twenties. Now everything is complicated by having Type 2 Diabetes. Last week my wife and I were staring in dismay at our dwindling food supply. By last Monday, we had eaten everything in the house except for one can of sweet peas (which I have to stay away from as they are full of carbohydrate) and one can of V-8 juice which I wouldn't drink even if I was dying of thirst and/or dying of hunger. Bleeeeccchh! So, things were very desperate and I wasn't thinking of overeating, I was just worried about having enough to eat! Monday afternoon, my sister Mary took us to a grocery store and gave us fifty dollars. We felt like we had won a million dollars. We very carefully shopped for some food to last us a few days until we received a gift card from another of my sisters. I'm still rather shocked at how little we were able to buy with fifty dollars. I know food has been getting more expensive but the sticker shock at the register really drove that point home. However, we did get some good stuff and I made a big crock-pot full of soup. It's been one of my less-than-spectacular soups, though. I think I'll stick to making chili and stew.

So, the overeating thing, yeah, almost forgot about that. Our cupboards are well-stocked for the next two weeks and we did buy a few "treats". Jennifer isn't diabetic so she can still eat all the candy corn and Swiss cake rolls her little heart desires. I bought two packages of "Chik-O-Stiks" bite-size candies on Friday and ate both bags yesterday! My blood sugar is higher than usual and I haven't felt very well for a few days. Why do I do such things? I know that what I'm doing is wrong for my health but sometimes I just don't care. It's not fair that I can't have more than a few lousy damn pieces of candy! It's not fair that Jennifer can pig out on Swiss cake rolls and never have a single problem. I know that eating all that sugar is bad for me. I know I'll feel like shit and my blood sugar will spike alarmingly. Intellectually, I know that I'm only hurting myself. And sometimes I just don't give a rip. Sensible people, recognizing that there's a problem with eating sweets and being a diabetic, would STOP EATING SWEETS! They wouldn't want to be tempted so they wouldn't have any of that stuff around them in the first place.

I'm not sensible though. Well, I have moments when I realize that what I'm doing is unhealthy and will have repercussions down the road. See how sensible and thoughtful I appear at this moment? The problem comes when I'm wanting a treat and I want more of that treat than I'm allowed to have. I feel deprived. I get mad. I fight against my urge to rip open the bag of sweets or tear into the cheesecake... I fight and struggle and usually don't even ask for help from God and/or my family and friends. Because the addiction is drowning out all rationality. My willpower always loses and I eat and eat. Everything tastes so good and the reality of my actions doesn't hit me until all the food is gone is consumed and I'm left with a bag full of empty candy wrappers or an empty cheesecake box.

Then my blood sugar goes up. I can almost feel it going up. My hands and feet start to hurt. I feel like I'm going to fall into a drugged sleep. The pain gets worse. I feel sick and my head throbs. Silently I begin to scold myself.
"You idiot! Is THIS what you really wanted? Shit! This is serious! What the hell am I going to do now?". And then I just sit there, hurting inside and out, hating that I had no willpower to stop eating so much.

I think I'm going to have to stop buying this stuff. I tell myself that I can handle it, I'll only eat the three or four pieces of candy that I'm allowed to have. I really do start out thinking that I can handle this, it's no big deal, I can stop at just three, I know better now, etc. Eight pieces of candy later I'm still saying all those things but I've changed the litany a bit to accommodate my growing compulsion. "See? My blood sugar is so much better in control than it was, that eating more than I'm supposed to won't hurt me. I can stop anytime I want but I'm going to treat myself to some extra pieces. Everything is fine".

Nothing is fine. Nothing is fine and I know that it isn't. Even sitting here typing this, I'm getting cravings for stuff that I just don't have any business eating! My fingers are sore from yesterdays' over-indulgence. Diabetes is serious business! And I hate it! All the other damn things in my life that are bogging me down: chronic depression, Irritable Bowel Disease, back problems because of a pinched nerve... it's not fucking fair! I know I'm being a whiny little so-and-so. Well, it's my damn blog. Probably a lot of people think stuff like this, they just won't admit to it.

I was doing so well for awhile there. Right after I was initially diagnosed with diabetes, I was a champion of giving all the "bad" food the heave-ho. I stopped eating chocolate and didn't have any candy or other junk for 115 days! I was so proud of myself. As my body rid itself of all the crap I had been dumping into it, I began to feel better and better. I had energy! I could walk several blocks at a medium clip and not feel as though I was going to pass out! I began to lose weight! I'm still losing weight but I think that some of my fears about having diabetes have been lulled by the more clamoring voice of my food addiction. I fear complications from diabetes but in a insubstantial, nebulous sort of way. Ouch! Insubstantial is it that my fingers are hurting with a sharp, jabbing pain as I type this? I don't think so.

I will need to write more about this, if only to keep myself honest. If I put this out into the "Blogosphere", I can't deny it as easily. Now, though, I have to wrap up this chapter and check my blood sugar. Today I'm eating much better than yesterday as all my "treats" are gone. I've got to take my diabetes meds and think about what I have to do in order to curb this eating addiction. Thanks for reading.